Changes That Heal – Chapter Two
Time. We are all subject to time. We must mature in one stage before going on to the next one. And we must have time as well as grace and truth to mature properly. Dr. Cloud repeats over and over again how when you take a part of yourself and push it away, hide it underground, that non-active part is taken out of time and stops growing. “One cannot grow if one does not participate in life”.
Time and I are usually never on the same page. When I want things to be over they drag on forever, and the things I love end far too soon. I waste time on a daily basis, getting wrapped up in movies or the internet or games, and try to rush the important stuff that I know should have more attention paid to it, just to get it done in the interest of time. I never make time to read my Bible or go to church – rarely go out of my way to see friends or be with family.
And when I do try to spend time with something like religion, or writing, or piano playing, I want instant gratification. When it takes too much time to learn, comprehend, understand something challenging, I’m quick to give up and move on to the next, easier thing. When I look to God, hoping for magical quick fixes and obvious answers to all of my questions, only to find more work and more questions, I get disheartened.
My challenge here is giving myself the time to grow and understand. The time to make fixes, not just find them. I can’t expect to say “Yeah, I believe in God, and he’s watching over me”, and just have all of my problems be solved. Time. It takes time.
The last section of the chapter said something that really struck a chord with me:
When we suffer, is the true self growing or is the false self just enduring pain? If we are on God’s surgery table in grace-giving relationships with our real self, time spent suffering will produce completeness; we will grow up, and we will experience changes that heal.
I’m able to admit that I spent a lot of time just enduring pain through my false self. Since I was hiding and pretending, I was suffering alone; no one knew I was suffering, and so no help was offered, no progress was made. I never gave myself the opportunity to grow from struggles because I never admitted to them in any way that would allow others to help, not friends or God. I just denied and pushed away and denied some more.
This is a change that I am 100% positive will take me the longest to make in my life. I have never been one to openly admit to, well, anything. Ever. While there are a few select people I am becoming more and more (or, in one rare case, almost instantaneously) able to open up to, I hope I’ll be able to start forming those relationships that, in addition to building my faith, will open me up for all sorts of personal growth. ❤
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